Painful Break Through

This,




This



And this



Should be down in about 6-12 months? Hopefully sooner but as I do experience a truly ridiculous level of technical difficulty- I’m aiming wide time wise.



Import issues? Yeah and 403,404,405,501, 502,503,504,505 & Wow wuld u look @ that! Google has changed the rules once more.



This should, by the old rules, be the only post- readable or search retrievable but some1 somewhere decided at some point to change how “save to drafts” on prior material functions- so who knows what’ll appear and what won’t in the interim.



I’m not 1 4 abandoning my copy as I invariably find something of use to myself later. Every time I delete these and do the 90 day dance - I know I’m risking material - a scrapbook of some hard fought battles with me, myself and I.



A lot has changed in four years- one being I used to trust coincidences which seems just absurd to me now.



I’ve struggled for a good eight years, though if I go back to the day of the crash - and it does, I’m at over ten. I’ve struggled with why. The answer I’ve come to like best -Small file, very intense, plus a name thing - in other words easy to maintain, protect so as to branch off of later. It just makes sense my body would maintain that as my one visual as well as narrative file. Only after working so hard the lost files back do I appreciate how very odd- but well when all you only have the one memory/story/face the level of attachment is pretty difficult to describe…As well near infantile trust and an immediacy as if no time has passed.



That’s the upshot of amnesia- extreme relationship reappraisals - it kinda’ kicks regular therapy’s ass.



“I wish you well…I hope you are well” Opening and parting lines from one source over twenty years and what I finally know now I just plain would never let in b4.



John/Henry wished and hoped me a lot of things and they went like this: I hope you’re a liar, I wish you a whore, I hope you’re a slut who’s roommates are much more. I wish you shallow and trite. I wish you ill. I hope you’re an over-reacting liar- yes I wish you ill and mad and all of that and more. But once more? I hope anything you think has happened or is happening isn’t and hasn’t because I have declared it so, or not, and nothing will dissuade me from all my best hopes and wishes when it comes to you Maren.



What can I say - it’s hard accepting that someone you loved prefer(s/red) to think the worst of you, at every turn and what will ever be what’s in store come what may.



Once I started really accepting that and that those had been and really were the only eyes and ears he ever really had for me- what he’d actually root for… see that’s what I’ve been struggling with and against. Admittedly for an ultra long time because some part of me thought I could change that and needed to quite desperately.



Why?



In large part because all this happened many, many times before in my family and to lengths and breadths he will never know or understand, nor ever desired to and I am finally getting to where I don’t need to battle against that and those absolute certainties any longer.